Everlasting

There are so many things I thought I could never do. I never thought that I could sing in public, I never thought that I could get great grades, I never thought I could teach little children, I never thought I could play the guitar… I’ve had a lot of doubts within me that held me back. These doubts turned into regrets. These regrets turned into nightmares. These nightmares turned into weaknesses, weaknesses that cost me a lot of foolish mistakes and wasted opportunities. But no longer. I’ve had enough of keeping what I feel for myself. I have a lot to say, I have a lot to share. The only problem is, I wasn’t born with the charisma to start. I have to start from scratch, from the very basics. And things are looking great.

A lot of us have been held back by doubt. It’s that voice inside your head that yells out “No!” to every opportunity. It’s that feeling of anxiety that people feel before they speak in public. It’s that inner fear that stops us from doing what is right, from being free, from being “alive”. Everyday, I have doubts about myself, about what kind of mistakes that I could commit that day, about awkward moments I could be in, about the future. And instead of obliterating my enemy that is doubt, I further added fuel to the fire already consuming from within. I was only making things worse, I was only making myself more miserable. And it’s true, I’ve thought of the glass as half-empty than half full.

But there’s also that tiny voice inside that whispers “Yes.”. Is this the voice of courage? Or is it the voice of fools? Brave men were always thought to be fools who didn’t fear death. Were they foolish? Or were they courageous? I’ve sometimes thought of bravery as being a fool. Making yourself a laughingstock among your fellow men, making yourself greater in His eyes. Two sides in every issue. A genius or a madman? A hero or a villain? A winner or a loser? Two sides, two opinions. Of men, of Divine.

WWJD? When I saw these letters on a passerby’s bracelet, I couldn’t help but wonder what they meant. Later I found out that they meant: “What Would Jesus Do?”. This made me ask myself. And it taught me to see as He would. It taught me to value what He thinks instead of what others think of me. Why should I care if people see me as a self-righteous suck-up? I know within my being that what I am doing is right, and I know He is proud of me. I pity these people, who have tried in may I say, creative ways to put me down. Our being human has made us selfish and close-minded. Oh well… It taught me to do things as Jesus would do, in our own special way. What could I have done is the question always lingering inside of me. And I think this is the very question inside, asking you. What could I have done?

I’m the craziest person I know. I’m unpredictable, my friends thought that I wouldn’t be the kind of person, of all people, who would sing “Laklak”, complete with mind-wracking headbangs, before their very eyes. I’m a fool, I come home exhausted everyday from of the many activities I join. I’m crazy, I get these ideas out of nowhere and write them down in this blog, but this is but a portion of who I really am. No one but He knows me that well. And that makes you and I potential scientists, potential politicians, potential researchers, potential philosophers, potential leaders, potential madmen, potential conquerors… Anything-goes in this uncharted world.

Come to think of it, the world never loses its taste. There will always be new songs to sing, new lives to change, new dreams to dream, new hopes to hope. A story told today would be different when told tomorrow. But why does life sometimes lose its taste? Its vigor? Its freshness? Why does life sometimes lose its life? I’ve sometimes felt like a loser, someone who can’t be good enough and can be better. Why do I feel this way at times, if I know that He has great plans for me? Is this not enough to fuel hope? What could be missing when we are taught that to be with Him is to gain everything? Is this not enough to give us direction? How come we doubt ourselves when we know we can?

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    For people who love to think.
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